I long since reconciled with four realities and these have liberated me, my actions and thoughts:

1. STAGNATION & IMMOBILITY :

I realized that I am not a rock destined to be stuck in one place (physically, mentally, socially, economically) until some dynamite blows me away or some flood buries me. Motion/movement may not be progress, but stagnation is the surest way to die or rot (intellectually, socially, politically, economically, or spiritually).

Think about it, you were born into a loving family that nursed & nurtured you into independent adulthood, but you left them to establish your own home. The same way you didn’t stay in kindergarten, primary school, high school, college, or university, even though it was fun and you had great friends.

Each day, week, month, year, and decade is about creating new versions of yourself, new memories, new networks, new achievements, and ultimately a colorful and enjoyable journey

2. JOB PRISONER:

Work (a job) is not a monogamous marriage based on the vow, “Till Death Do Us Part”. It is not a war zone either where you go each day to engage in mortal or fatal combat. If you have a skill and you’re stuck in an emotionally exhausting job and you have become an expert at the bruising fights at work ….look in the mirror and repeat the following words after me ….”I am an imbecile and I suffer from inferiority complex and the fear to try something different, somewhere different on my own or with different partners, clients or customers”.

It is not loyalty or love keeping you in that abusing work environment each day fighting viciously. It is fear to move on orders to start your own thing. In simple term s, it is grand delusion and Foolishness. You are afraid of your own inadequacy and you’re afraid to fail on your own terms. You doubt your ability to stand professionally or economically without the crutches of an abusive job. So you embrace this abuse as your fate and are addicted to it Forgive me for being candid!

You don’t own the company, you have no shares in it, you feel unappreciated, used, abused, underpaid? You are getting health issues because of the job Look you’re not staying there for the bills or your children’s school fees or pension. You’re like that man Jesus Christ found at a pool and had been waiting for 38 years for healing. He had legitimate sounding excuses “when the water stirs, I have no one to lift and put me in there in order to get my breakthrough”. The answer to him was as simple as my advice to me and to you…Get Up take your mat, and Go!

3. TOXIC NICENESS:

I realized right from home (my extended family), church, work, school, sports, etc, are people that mistake ‘NICENESS’ for ‘GOODNESS’. This is going to sound very arrogant, but it is true…I didn’t come to earth to be NICE I am not chocolate or a pack of sweets. Neither are you!

Ever wondered why most medicines are not nice? Here is the answer, you risk perpetuating injustice, hypocrisy, oppression, mediocrity, and stupidity because you value NICENESS more than truth, frankness, and openness. So people never get to know who you really are, what you really think or feel beyond that nice smile, personality, and demeanor. Each fake smile is a nail in your coffin and all your relationships

Now, this does not mean that you should be mean or nasty. It simply means that you should stop deceiving yourself, your children, your spouse, friends, workmates, leaders, and neighbors. Let your YES be a true YES and your NO be a frank NO! Don’t be so nice that you can’t say NO!

Learn to tell people the TRUTH (or your version of it). It might hurt for a while but they will appreciate you for it. Don’t ever get promoted or favored for NICENESS, let it be for INTEGRITY, Candour, and Performance.

Toxic NICENESS is born out of a fear of rejection, lack of self-confidence, and the desire to be loved, adored, and appreciated. Some parents are so nice, they lead their children to ruin. Some bosses are so nice they destroy their entire organizations as badly as do very nasty bosses. Some friends are so nice they cheer you to hell and self-ruin. Your toxic NICENESS is responsible for a lot of future pain, destruction, and ruin. It spoils people around you; it cushions them from the consequences of their bad choices and the accountability they so badly need ….And it does not prepare anyone for the real world without you playing ANGEL. Stop it!

4. FEAR OF BEING FORGOTTEN or Fear of Missing Out (The young ones call it – FOMO)

I realized there is a reason why I am not AIR, I don’t have to be everywhere. I actually don’t have to be everything. Learn to Chill! You’re not GOD, you are neither Omnipotent, Omniscient nor Omnipresent. My friends and family will tell you this, I know how to enjoy my own company, agenda, training, projects, and books. I was liberated from the need to be always with the crew. I learned to balance Me-Time, family Time, group Time, and Chill time

I started off by making a lot of friends across class, religious, political, ethnic, national, racial, and professional groups. These became my everyday University. I call, text, or communicate with them regularly. I don’t feel the need to be dominant or present in any one dimension all the time. I have seasons of presence and focus. Friends, workmates & family often want you to be in one place all the time. You cannot, you shouldn’t and you must not! Your greatest value is a balance between absence and presence.

Each time I travel I always bring my family and friends gifts or souvenirs from the trips. But I return with new stories, memories, perspectives, experiences, and something of value. The most dangerous teachers (or preachers) are those that lack exposure from interaction with others outside their domain of influence. Lecturers that go on sabbatical rest and often return with new insights and even methods

Permanent presence as a leader often hides as much the incompetence and incapacities of your team as it does their creativity, innovativeness, and growth. You cannot be there barking instructions all the time One day you will be arrested, fall sick or die and they have to do stuff without you. Your children, spouse, friends, and comrades have veto make keep without you. Practice absence that permits growth and responsibility.

NB. I know that my talent is not equivalent to personal growth That you can be immensely talented and an intellectual or emotional toddler. I am certain that as you are reading this you are already putting several names to this in your head.
I realized early that my growth required the following :
A. Constant reading and mobility ( exposure)

B. Liberation from the myth of Job Security that degenerated into a lifetime Workplace imprisonment ( Golden Handcuffs)

C. That I stop trying to be nice in order to be liked, loved, and accepted. That I be authentic and real and if need be, be tough. Tough love isn’t nastiness, it is the refusal to comfort people engaged in Foolishness

D. That it was alright to be forgotten, to miss out on some things ( even important moments & things) and absence do not in and of itself kill the things that I care about …… the only desertion does That sometimes permanent presence is destructive and inhibits growth and maturity amongst those that you lead . Always delegate, but more importantly give people responsibility and trust them to make mistakes that they themselves correct!

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