Tag Self Love

Difference that leads to Sameness or Default Settings 

Brian Kagoro Leave a comment

Be very careful about making your mentors or platinum standard people whose philosophy of life, attitudes, advice, and general approach has been framed by greed, selfishness, narcissistic disorder, abuse, loss, guilt, bitterness and/or rejection. The sound’s very fresh , practical , compelling , easily doable , uplifting, logical, different and unbelievably attractive….too good to be true. And you are like, this is the real stuff, why didn’t I do this way before now ?

BUT this poisonous self-indulgent, here and now alluring advice ultimately leads to that same dark place, namely :

  • Self-abuse, abuse of others and abuse by others which in the end results in :-
  • Loss 
  • Guilt 
  • More bitterness 
  • Rejection 
  • Emotional fragility 
  • Negativity 

BUT for a short while it would have made you feel emotionally and psychologically high, you are so happy with yourself that you become both a disciple and evangelist of the self-destructive philosophy. However, it does sting, bite or pierce in the end or at some time. At that time, it is too late to regret or change course . 

If you want joy in your life, make up your philosophy of life based on the future you want to build whilst acknowledging the scars that made you bitter, fragile, afraid or strong and determined. Acknowledge the grief, loss and pain of life, don’t make it a philosophy, it is an experience and not a monument or memorial detention centre for your emotions and soul . 

Friend, lay that weight aside and spare yourself entrapment by the same behavioral patterns, attitudes and reasoning that reproduces your pain, wounds and fears on steroids ! PLEASE avoid antics , thinking and behavior that masquerades as difference but ultimately leads to sameness or your original emotional, psychological, physical, and intellectual default settings described above !

Nuggets to start 2022

Brian Kagoro Leave a comment

The seeds for the destruction of any conspiracy based on prejudice, greed, dishonesty or malice reside in the conspiracy itself.

When the coconspirators fallout, you will all get to hear about the hidden machinations. You see, unsolicited hatred, sabotage or malice doesn’t have loyalty in its DNA /nature. Allegiance shifts with perceived personal benefit, privilege and positionality. Isn’t it amazing how much effort , time and pettiness people invest in slanderous behaviour driven by rumours and anecdotes or plain lies ?

Don’t be part of useless plots and machinations. Don’t make it your vocation to fight any person (no matter how unlikeable, hypocritical, slimy or treacherous). Such people have their fans, admirers and friends.

Remember that life doesn’t reward people based only on your wishes, judgment, assessments and instructions. Some people that you can’t stand, who are mediocre, fake and whom you think don’t deserve certain things will succeed and flourish much against your estimation of them or sense of fairness , justice and worthiness.

Some will even do better than your authentic and excellent self O ! Life isn’t a whip in your hand. It is a force or wind around you. You experience it differently from the next person and you don’t control it!

Don’t always use absence and presence to judge intention, motives, loyalty and commitment. Judas was there all the time until the very end. Sometimes presence is subterfuge, pretense, surveillance and deception. Not all absence is boycott, lack of care and commitment. Some absence is abusive and indicates lost connection. But some presence is toxic, divisive and abusive. Appreciate the power of both absence and presence.

Whatever you do, learn when you’re not priority in your friends, workmates, schoolmates’ lives. Distinguish between: being the convenient or ever-present fall-back position( i.e. for free help, money, tasks, companionship, etc) the afterthought, the nuisance factor, the pitied other, the suspect or tolerated one and being the needed, wanted and/or appreciated person /friend/colleague/Comrade!

In 2022 do not play any of these roles, move on quickly! Be where you’re needed, appreciated, wanted and fulfilled. Beware of your co-dependency with things, spaces, processes and persons that diminish you, your value, self-esteem, happiness or dignity!

CULTURE, CHANGE & TOXICITY

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  • All CHANGE is CULTURE

In any society, organisation or family, if you don’t understand the cultures and customs, you will struggle to understand the basis of the relationships. Equally so, if you do not consciously change existing toxic cultures you tend to reproduce the same toxic relationships even if the leadership or staff change. Environment conditions the atmosphere and ambiance in any organisation.

Continue reading “CULTURE, CHANGE & TOXICITY” →

FATHERHOOD (being FATHER or a FATHER)

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FATHERHOOD is the most culturally, socially, politically, and spiritually abused and weaponised concept, status and power in the world, but especially in Africa.

It doesn’t matter where you turn everywhere and everyone wants to impose FATHERHOOD or FATHERSHIP on the world around them. Father – Tata – Papa- Baba often used as a term of endearment, honour and respect is now a weapon of oppression, abuse and primitive extraction of personal benefits and power. I call this process or concept FATHERISATION (Fatherism), ‘Paparization’, Babarization or Tatarization of faith, politics, business and society !

But before we discuss the negative consequences of Babarisation, Paparisation or Tatarisation (Fatherism), what is FATHERHOOD? Here is my take :-

HAPPY Belated Father’s day to all my Comrades & brothers across Africa. Fatherhood is lifelong opportunities to put others’ needs before your own, care for another’s physical, spiritual, financial, intellectual & emotional well-being, and practice true unconditional love.

FATHERHOOD creates a deliberate balance between material, emotional, intellectual, ethical, physical& spiritual nourishment that in-turn creates a space, place, freedom & support for children to grow in their interests, choices, values, ideas, faith & character.

FATHERHOOD is Responsible Stewardship & Service to your children. It means service by helping your kids nurture their nature. Ensuring that your actions are helping & not hindering them. Fatherhood – being in service and influencing children- requires skills & patience. You learn fatherhood through observation, studying and doing. Don’t observe the wrong things or read the wrong templates because you will end up practicing the wrong things. If you already are practicing destructive fatherhood, course correct fast! The consequences will haunt you for life. If you hurt or super spoil your kids now, you will have a lifetime of regret and consequences to deal with!.

FATHERHOOD is about setting an example through your own actions, words & thoughts of responsible, compassionate, respectful & productive malehood to your sons & daughters. First as a role model. Hopefully a reliable & trustworthy friend to them when they’re older. You need to maintain balance. Even God says “those whom I Love , I discipline”. Discipline without love is aimless punishment and love without discipline is concealed hatred !

FATHERHOOD is a free – and often forfeited – lifelong graduate Masterclass to learn skills and develop attributes through lessons that are not offered anywhere else in the world. You learn from your children (biological, adopted or co-opted) even as you nurture, guard, guide and inspire them!


FATHERHOOD is LEGACY Building and Preservation. Each of our families is made up of centuries of LEGACY built into a complex tapestry. FATHERHOOD is also, therefore, about living up to that legacy (good or bad). It may also be about creating a NEW LEGACY and broadening parameters of imagination, experience, vision & achievement. It should be about breaking old bad or negative cycles in families, including inter-generational poverty often passed on from one generation to the next.

FATHERHOOD is the bold practice of LOVE. It requires the older to become a student of the younger whom they are nurturing and mentoring. Fatherhood is the ultimate challenge, risk, fear, meaning& the ultimate pleasure in life of any man. Be patient and focused. Your child is your responsibility no matter how much you loathe, despise or regret ever meeting the co-parent. You cannot hate a part of you and be stupid enough to blame this on the Co-parent .

      The circumstances under which your seed became a human don’t matter nor do they diminish your responsibility and accountability one bit. Fatherhood is not a moral position, it is an irrefutable responsibility for, to, through and over your children

      FATHERHOOD is not the Liberal or indisciplined donation of Sperm (consciously or subconsciously) and then being forced to maintain the consequences of your donation or you running away from the responsibility over your seed. MEN; let us be accountable, responsible before & after & not just selfish.

      FATHERHOOD is a key relationship cog to building healthy societies. Its pervasive dysfunction explains why we struggle to fix government, development, and our value systems. You cannot fail to take care of children you sired and then want to defend the interests of “CITIZENS” as a businessman, artist, activist, academic, faith leader, Traditional leader, politicia etc. Who are the “CITIZENS” if not folks raised well or badly by their parents? Folks abandoned, rejected, abused or truly loved and mentored by their fathers? We are trying to fix in the nation what we are destroying each day in every home through irresponsible FATHERHOOD, Fatherism, Paparisation, Babarisation or Tatarization of society. Malehood without an ounce of responsibility or even accountability.

      Brothers, Comrades, Friends : Charity begins at home. Let us change our ways !

      Built by Love, Solidarity and Patience

      Brian Kagoro Leave a comment



      1. KNOWING ME: I would never have truly known myself were it not for my family, friends, colleagues, and Comrades. Each of them has helped to expose the excellent, great, good, bad, ugly, inelegant, underdeveloped, backward, immature aspects of me. I cannot say that each word, act, or aspect of this self-discovery journey has been comfortable or nice. Some have occurred with unbelievable unpleasantness, disappointment, betrayal, loss, or abuse. Yes, please write this down …..siblings, friends, comrades, workmates, and lovers can be extremely abusive. You most probably also are and folks haven’t dared to tell you!

      2. MANY EXAMPLES & LIVING ROLE MODELS – Each day I have the privilege to learn from great Africans (known, unknown, and yet to be known). Some of my role models are younger than me, others my age, and others are older. I refused to learn only from the perfect and experienced. I have phenomenal teachers and living examples of excellence, commitment, compassion, integrity, genius, joy, and authenticity cutting across different classes, sexes, nationalities, faiths, and ages. I have learned to openly admire great abilities, capabilities, talents, personality, and character. I have learned to tell people that they are great, even when I disagree with them, their approach, and their point of view. I have also learned to tell anybody and everybody that cares to listen about how well many people I have encountered are. When I realized that I didn’t have to be the greatest at everything and every time, I couldn’t stop seeing greatness in other people and supporting it!

      3. THE REFLECTION OF THE LOVE of others. I am, therefore, the product of endless kindness, generosity, mercy, compassion, patience, solidarity and selfless friendship! I cannot help but be eternally grateful to life, God, family, friends, and Comrades.

      Each part of my life is a reflection of their love. There is a lot that I have and continue to do for myself, but yoh! The brick and mortar that others have put in would take me 100 years to enumerate. They have built me with questions, suggestions, insults, rebukes, words of inspiration, sharp criticism, sometimes unfair rumors, and lies. Every single one of these building materials makes for a stronger me.

      4. TAUGHT & MADE BY MANY: I am grateful to hundreds of thousands of great human beings who over the years have knowingly and unknowingly taught me life skills, professional skills, everyday skills. Taught me to type, drive, walk, speak, think critically, pray forgive, love&laugh. I have had many mentors – (we all do) from the day we were born many hands do the work of God and weave us into the neat packages presented at each next stage of life. Don’t ever try and take credit alone for the success of any person. You are not the only builder that has fashioned the end product. Have the humility to know and acknowledge this! There are many truths that you do not know about your Mentees!

      5. MATURITY- Pasca Tawonezvi used to say – “Does not ring an alarm or bell”. You don’t need anyone to tell you that you are now a grown-up and you should stop acting your shoe size or behaving like a wannabe Hollywood, Bollywood or Nollywood celebrity!

      Remember that IMMATURITY in any human being has several attributes, including:-
      (a) An abiding sense of entitlement&Selfishness. You think and believe that your parents, siblings, family, friends must give you what you want because you’re related to them or have a relationship with them? You’re are very selfish! You keep talking and you never give unless it serves your selfish desire for profile or PR

      (b) A desire for instant gratification. Everything must happen now with no regard to reality or process. This is why you are easily deceived, because you want instant wealth, fame, power, etc with neither method, strategy nor work ??

      (c) Endless demands not backed up own work, effort, discipline, or innovation. It’s always dreaming that someone else ( a Blesser, Parent, Sibling, Boss, etc) must pay for. Some even make babies and plan grand marriages or holidays on other people’s budgets

      (d) Childish Joy or Happiness derived from seeing, doing, or having things. This desire for trinkets to hide emptiness is the highest form of hollow and shallow living

      (e) Childish Tantrums or manifesting against anyone and everyone that calls your bluff or challenges you or refuses or rejects you. Adults know that the reality of life comes with inevitable rejection, loss, denial, refusal, and yes sometimes failure and lack. Grow up and Get used to this reality.

      (f) Constantly comparing yourself to & competing with others. When your identity is solely based on being better than the next person, then you have a very deep ocean of personal insecurities. Be enough in yourself. Beat you at everything and not other people. Help other people achieve their dreams & visions.

      (g) LIES and MADE UP stories. Immature folks sometimes tell the dumbest lies and for absolutely no reason. You cannot lie to yourself to rock star status, legend, or sainthood. Someday the lies will outpace you or some people will take you too seriously and discover that you’re nothing but a hoax, a fraud! Some even gain the courage of lying about talking to God, the Holy Spirit, or important people in this world. Please come down to earth, greatness is not a fake weave or false teeth. You have to work and earn it!

      (h) Gullibility: How is it that you are so gullible? Listen, don’t be cynical but do not be naive either. If you’re mature, question everything and everyone!

      (i) MANIPULATION and OBSESSIVE CONTROL – immature people thrive on emotional, intellectual, psychological, economic, social, and political blackmail. They try and make other people feel guilty for not satisfying their childish fantasies, sense of entitlement, megalomania, narcissism, etc. They never want you to know, interact with, or experience life except according to what they dictate or direct. This is neither attention nor care oo, it is an emotional and mental health condition. Ask yourself, am I manipulative and controlling or am I being manipulated and controlled? Seek change urgently!

      NB. Don’t waste life criticizing people simply because you differ from them. Recognize greatness in others so that your own may echo through theirs!