• Introduction: No One Can Drink Immodium for Your Running Tummy!

All pain is personally experienced even when collectively witnessed or shared. Impact is always differentiated and uneven. The same could be said of pressure and pleasure. The same act, thing or process that gives one the thrills also scares or bores another to death. 

Even if I gave you a step-by-step guide, how-to toolbox and the latest app on pain, pressure, and pleasure management, you still will experience your own it your own way. Neither riches, fame, good looks, religiosity, intelligence nor love can totally immunise all aspects of your life from inevitable pressures, pleasures and pains of being a living being. 

• The Best-Selling Books Don’t Tell You Everything About Leadership Situations and Human Feelings 

There are countless Leadership manuals about good, supportive and healthy relationships( personal, political, social and economic). Any person that loves and accompanies their pregnant personal person into a labour ward in order to give birth does not themselves experience labour pains (plural). They witness the agony of birthing life and joy from close range. They may even shed a tear. But the most that they can do is to emphathise, hold their loved one’s hand, say some dumb(but soothing) anecdotal or cliché stuff.  

Presence and empathy does not, cannot and will not take away the pain nor do love gestures actually. They make inevitable pain bearable ! The Leadership journey is often very lonely and painful, even when you have crowds of people around you and sometimes cheering you on. As a leader your stock-in-trade is skillful judgment (the ability to decide upon consideration of evidence, and context), communication, connection and empathy. In Leadership, there are emotional , psychological and intellectual acres and kilometers where you just have to walk alone , to carry your own cross and own it . There are moments of adversity that will test your sanity , fortitude and resolve . In such moments you are paradoxically inadequate and enough at the same time; surrounded by a great team and alone ; visionary and doubtful ; wounded and raring to go. These are what I call ‘Sweet and Sour ,Chilli Sweet moments’

• No Exemptions from Chilli-Sweet Situations and Feelings

Books on Empathetic, Situational, Performative, collaborative, servant, Level 5 or 20X Leadership often do not and cannot tell you how you will feel when doing or going through unavoidable leadership situations and processes that are chilli-sweet. You just have to experience it for yourself. Don’t be fooled, the fact that you experienced something similar before or elsewhere doesn’t make the present experience less painful, let alone less emotionally or mentally exhausting. You often get this feeling of pain, frustration, exhaustion and anger when you are empathetic and actually care about those that you lead, as well as the issues, situations or causes involved. Unfortunately my friends, good attitude or positive outlook does not exempt you at all from feeling these ‘Sweet and sour’ or chilli-sweet feelings . 

• Hero, Villain and Fool – All-in-One ! 

Unpleasant or painful situations oftentimes generate woundedness and unpleasantness in people. When disruption or unpleasant things happen in any organisation, movement , family or community, folks need a scapegoat . As a leader you are the most convenient candidate or target ( it is a risk of the trade) . When folks are frustrated , you are to them ( justifiably or not) the proverbial fool at the top who is responsible for all that is bad and incapable of thinking things through . At this stage of leadership you forfeit your right to be heard , believed or presumed innocent until proven guilty. At worst, you maybe characterised as the mortal enemy of progress that must be fought or resisted at all costs . Wear your elephant skin during this period because many piercing words will be aimed at you . During this period be very wary of toxic positivity , that is dangerous escapism from the reality of the mess that you’re in . 

Occasionally though, you maybe equated to Santa Klaus , candy person or ice-cream supplier that brings gifts, sweetness and goodies. I hate to say this , crowds are fickle. Even Jesus Christ knew this. The same crowds that welcomed him on palm Sunday wanting to make him king as he rode a donkey into Jerusalem, were a few days later chanting “crucify him” as he bore his own cross .Remember dear leader that the very same people will instinctively place you in very different boxes or categories based on how they feel about the situation, a process , themselves, their colleagues or the organisation. So quit trying to play ice-cream man ,candy woman or Santa . Lead by ideas , purpose and conviction, have clarity about the kind of Leadership that your situation demands .

• Survivors or Comrades Guilt 

Unless you are totally heartless, thoughtless, and bloodless , whatever touches your colleagues, peers and team is likely to also deeply move , pain ,and affect you (psychologically and emotionally). It is likely to affect you more if you cannot do anything to change the situation, process or outcome. This helplessness in the face of the other’s loss, or pain engenders sympathy and guilt. You are likely to feel that somehow you didn’t do enough , that you were not there for your team ,that you betrayed them by your inaction or let them down somehow. This Survivors guilt needs to be addressed and faced . Don’t deny it , hide from facing it , or pretend that you’re not feeling it. Whatever you do , please do not try to over compensate ! You will feel like crap, totally drained emotionally and isolated. 

• Reflect (don’t deflect) in order to Move Forward 

When you begin to experience the effects of ‘Chilli-sweet’ survivors guilt , this is the best place to begin deep reflection , straregizing and innovating . Take a pause , find yourself in order to retrace your leadership path ! Get intellectual and emotional electrolytes for the rest of the journey . Reach out to and support your Comrades , Peers and Team knowing that too much time spent grieving or greeting may be lost time to your cause or finding alternatives . But not everyone will accept you or your offer for support. Accept and Own that too !

CONCLUSION : Wisdom of the Eldership 

In January 2000, I went to see Dr. Goodwill Shana about a thorny socio-political issue .At the time , I sought his , the late most affable Rev. Charles Chiriseri and Bishop Mutume’s counsel about how best to approach a highly sensitive and polarizing national process . There was drama everywhere and as you know people often become thorny when hurting. Dr. Shana – after exchanging pleasantries and hearing my cause- offered me a cup of tea (I am not a tea person at all). He then said as we sat down to a cup of tea : “All salt is salty and all sugar is sweet, but you and I have different taste buds. Food that you want to add salt to maybe too salty for me. And the sugar that you add may be too little or too much for someone else. Each tongue tastes salt or sugar for itself. But we are drinking tea together. This not just about preference, it may be a medical/ health issue”. 

Rev. Charles Chiriseri was an amazing asset to civil society in Zimbabwe and a fountain of wisdom. He had a unique laugh and was always empathetic. Given the innumerable incidents of toxicity and backstabbing amongst social actors ,he said to me ,”Brian, remember that the seeds for the destruction of anything born out of malice , rebellion , competition ,and deceit are contained in the very thing itself”. 

Bishop Mutume was a revered and infectiously humorous elderly Catholic sage residing in Mutare at the time. I travelled 3 hours to go and see him. As our tradition demands, when I arrived to see him, I went into elaborate greetings. At some stage he interrupted me and said , ” Kagoro, stop it, by the time you’re done with all this elaborate greeting and small talk, what you came here to solve will have worsened. Wavingeyi ? (what brings you this far my son)”.

Cut the ritual, get to the point and start doing what will move you from a pity-party, survivors guilt or a sense of inadequacy to transformative strategy. Remember though that your tastes or take on stuff may for good reason be very different from the next person. Whatever you do, avoid malice, it contains self-destruction seeds in itself !